sometimes, i'm so insecure that it drives me insane.

i've learnt recently that sometimes the things we do, say or write must come from our hearts. it must be something genuine for us to really remember and this something must be true in what we really feel. it musn't be done just to purely impress people, nor must it be purges which we don't feel anything at all. it must feel real to you, yourself, but most importantly, you must feel connected to it. i realized if i written a whole lot crap just to impress someone even though i don't really want to, that work will be something i would throw into a rubbish soon after.

i was too caught once in awhile trying to strive to show how i good i am at something that it became a plain chore just do it right. and this little thing is actaully personal to me and there i was trying to impress god knows who just to show how good i am. it's nonsense really, but after the high died out, and i slowed down a little, i found the steady pace which i found i'm comfortable at and begin to work from there.

sometimes i feel like a fool trying to impress those i know wouldn't need to be impressed by. it's not about perfect grammar or english, but the thinking process of one. it's pressure i suppose once in awhile, but i know i should think i have it and do my best at it.

now i know why authors are able to write so impressively. it's cause they're able to express thier feelings and hide behind thier every words they write. thier expressions, thier feelings are all written down on paper and pen, to be shown to the world without letting anybody knowing truly how they really feel.

i guess that's where the best of the authors and poets came from. somehow they have this gift to express thier feelings uniquely in words. it's nice to have an escape route to express yourself with isn't it?

the lively chatted sounds filled the brim of the walkways.

it's covering the thundering of our hearts and wash away the fears of insecurites within our feelings. it doesn't hurt anymore as a brief slow feeling by the name of 'peacefulness' drank away our tears. it's been awhile, but it finally came.

it's no more shouts and anger, but rather happiness that seeps through our skins that help us to battle our emotions that constantly surround us.

the thunder that suddenly stops in mid-rain and the constant shivers that we recieved seemed to be blessed to rest at some other place.

after tiring day of hectic chaos no matter where we are, sometimes all we want to go is the comfort of our own home to settle down and to let sleep overtake us.

the blood that spills over canvas wishes desperately to be dried and the clean cloth we wear upon us are sometimes stained that can never be washed away.

are these what we are facing in our years to come? do we want to? is it fate, or is it controled.
i guess is both.

i'm feeling sombre, excuse this post.

i'm just letting words wash over me and i felt the need to type it out. what better place but my privatehaven?

suerpnatural is killing me. it's taking years to load; never happened before. i guess there's a first time for everything.

have you ever felt so guilt-ridden that sometimes it's so overwhelming that you feel like puking? let me warn you, don't ever get to that stage, cause i promise you, it's not a nice state to be in.

dishonest today was one thing, guilt cause i know it's important to me and it matters to me but i'm too fucking lazy to do it.

i mean, i know i've been too caught up in things i want to do and not things i need to do, but i can't help to lay back a bit-.

okay, i admit it: a lot.

and people have to be freaking nice about it! why am i never satisfied in what i have? happy sure, all the time, but satisfied? it's greed.

and i guess i need to do something about it, to actually bother and change this really bad problem of mine, before it actually becomes a habit.

sometimes perhaps what i need is a little faith, and a little more love around.

if i care for the people around me so much, why do i fail to give them what they deserve?

do i not care at all?
perhaps, perhaps i do, but just that i can't push myself so.

i got to really break this problem.

on a side note, after this post. i'm glad i'm beginning to able to use 'i' instead of 'you' or 'we.'
but i'm still censoring my words.
damn, damn, damn.

sometimes you can't help but feel a little embarass at the things people say about you. even if it's good.

singing with praises. sinking with awkwardness.

it's amazing how people's life can be so interesting. especially when yours is particularly not. i think i'm just a person who's curious in other people life due to lack of better things to do. or that my life is pretty - ordinary.

then again, be careful what you wish for right?

anyway, yesturday was a blast. although i spent plenty of money, (i think these days that's the only time where you actually have a blast. what in the world happen to salvation?) it was fun and the main thing was i felt happy. like not just happy happy, but sincerly happy. ah, hope you get what i meant.

well it wasn't the part of money i suppose. was the companionship of friends. friends that actually make you laugh till you cry.

hey i can't help it if my friends have a wry sense of humor.

a sudden thought came. so what you have all the money in the world but you feel cold, lonely with no one around you to spend your money with but just with, well, youself? wouldn't that suck.

oh, and out of curiousity, does anyone actually feel that your mind is like a battlefield? like these two voices in your head fighting with each other. oh don't worry, they're not others. just yours. both yours. *gulps* i hate it when that happens. i feel as though i'm this weirded out person with two voices talking in my head. of course i'm well aware of it. and i just tell myself: "shut up zong!"

amazingly, it does.

i have become a tv whore addict.

whoever invented television should honestly be sued. it's like a drug.

well, tv series in my case.

they should ban it.
yup, then i'll die.

you just keep on wanting more and more and more.
till your exams come followed by the nasty red marks.
and you blame on everyone and everything except yourself.

yeah, i think that's about it. my grumble. and the pain that is at the back of my neck.
*goes off rattling*

damn television.

*lots of love*
period.

oh and i think i'm going to open a livejournal soon. cause the damn communities are so addictive. and that some of my friends who uses lj have friends only posts (meaning i can't be a busybody reading about thier lives). counting the fact i'm learning how to make my own icons.
but i'll keep this blog as well; cause it's too precious.
wouldn't want to close down the most important growth of my life right?

random spam/complain.

sometimes the world is black.
but most of the time is colourful.